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"Do I need certainly to go?" All parents hear this from their kids about not planning to go somewhere from Sistero site time to time. But during and after divorce, hearing this from your children about spending some time with another parent causes concern for both parents.

In conflictual divorces kids learn that the gap in parental expectations may widen. At some point, the little one either aligns with the parent that holds the absolute most power, or will discover power in protecting a parent. With one parent the kids learned just how to behave and with another parent they discover ways to behave. Sometimes these expectations clash.

You will find endless reasons to resist visitation that kids learn are effective. Maybe one will act "insulted" that he needs to visit. Or even another will complain that "It's boring." The parent hearing these complaints may sympathize with the youngster, which reinforces the refusal. For certain, parents do not want their kids to not like them. It could be easier to think of excuses for not having to go, or provide a number of suggestions for coping with how hard it is to be over at another parent's house. Kids also do not want to handle the parent they are disappointing, so avoidance becomes preferred. The other parent pursues compliance by guilt and make statements like, "I'm your dad. How would you try this to your dad?" Or, "Look at all the things I've done for you." Maybe "Remember these pictures? Remember all the good times we had?" Another factor reinforcing resistance may be the local family counselor or therapist would you a best wishes listening and validating the child's point of view. The youngsters create a script to be used with both parents and the therapist, and practice makes perfect, inadvertently reinforcing the refusal.

How often does this happen? Probably significantly more than is reported, but studies show that 11-15% reject or resist contact with one parent while remaining aligned with another parent (Johnston, 1993, 2003; Johnston, Walters, & Olesen, 2005b; Racusin & Copans 1994; Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980). In custody-disputing samples 20% reject a parent, and 6% are extreme examples like the main one in the above list (Kopetski, 1998a, 1998b; Johnston 1993, 2003; Johnston, Walters, & Olesen, 2005c). Boys and girls both refuse equally, and adolescents are more likely than younger kids (Kelly & Johnston, 2001). Both moms and dads experience resistance.